Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
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I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.