Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Mornin
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it