@poutinesmoothie

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

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@GrantTanaka

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

@UduhEmeka

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

@LostFelicia

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

@Heatinblack

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

@iamjohnsarris

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

@HenpeckedHal

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

@JohnLyonTweets

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

@addyosmani

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers