Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Saturday
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me: