Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

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*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!


5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.


*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*


If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’


Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.


Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.


“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”




“Get out!”




wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.


ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?