Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
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Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.