@AmishSuperModel

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

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@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

@BrdnHatesYou

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

@KattsDogma

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

@ThatOtherRai

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

@mommy_cusses

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

@DirtMcTurd

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

@RiotGrlErin

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?