sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you