Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
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I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*