Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
People buying plungers never look happy.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.