Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

What?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.