Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.