Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
everyone’s a critic
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.