Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
sin harder.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.