Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
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“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
What about a To-Don’t List?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.