Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Barbie gone wild
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Noah
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”