Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.