surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
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american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.