Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
calling in to work dehydrated
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.