@Shariv67
@What_Idiot_ What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
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@What_Idiot_ 
@david8hughes [giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
@AnnaKendrick47 Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
@Jesssicle The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
@9to5Life “911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
@joeljeffrey That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
@robyn_vo I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
@Brampersandon_ WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
@WheelTod Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
@IfIwassomething An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.