@Shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

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@Merman_Melville

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

@VickieComedy

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

@Ygrene

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

@LuckoftheDraw86

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

@Cain_Unable

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

@PaperWash

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

@TheRealNickKay

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

@Bizarro_Mark

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.