What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.