Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.