@Shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

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@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

@david8hughes

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

@AnnaKendrick47

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

@Jesssicle

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

@9to5Life

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

@joeljeffrey

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

@robyn_vo

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

@WheelTod

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

@IfIwassomething

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.