surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Cndnsd Mlk
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???