SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
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I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I don’t make the rules sorry
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose