SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
#CoronaOutbreak
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
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Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Ain’t no way
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.