*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
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Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.