surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
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CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Good news
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
A fake ID that makes you younger
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
When can I start eating bats again.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Welcome to the stomach
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.