Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
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“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My zodiac sign is pistachio
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.