Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership