Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed