Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
A drum solo but on your face.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.