Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
#Caturday
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.