Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
pat pat
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”