Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.