Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!