Just ordered me some pizza!
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
You Might Also Like
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
“piles of health that is! LOL”
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
*clouds turn to fire*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“My fellow Americans-”
“we are working tirelessly-”
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”