Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Erm…
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
put ‘er there pardner!
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.