surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Banana is the quietest snack
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”