surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Guy who likes music
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?