Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.