Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
happy valentine’s day to me
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
How to properly lift a body
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room