Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Noah was an idiot.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
That eye roll….
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best