@smithsara79

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

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@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@goodgrief_rats

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

@MichaelTrying

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

@PLATINUM2000

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

@Cornjerker78

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

@greek_heanen

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

@shanethevein

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

@AndLive2Love

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

@JohnnyFrittata

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.