[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.


Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.


Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”


Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.


[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.


[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.


-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral


Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.


We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”


“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.