Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Brother?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Holy shit he’s back
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.