Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
They got a point!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.