[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new