Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

The Onion called it…again.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Sheep

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.