Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila