Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you