SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.