Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
And bowling should be called pinball
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith