*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Jurassic park gets weird
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
She: I like Cats
He:
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart