Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
You Might Also Like
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My work here is don’t.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”