Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
accurate
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.