SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
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Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up