“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Louder for the tape?”
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.