“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
You Might Also Like
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
This is Sparta
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him