[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking